these last few days have really been quite difficult. Constant, well maybe not constant, but panic attacks or spouts of panic quite often… among other symptoms, as i spoke about in the other post. However, i thought it was psychosis. Its not that. I think it really is anxiety, so thats a relief. Though a lot of it also has to do with my testicles, which i am having quite the trip about. One of them just feels huge and is accompanied by pain. Burning, stinging, aching. But its hard to tell, i dont know, maybe i am imagining it in my head. Myabe my balls were always like this, one was always huge. I dont know. Anyway, it keeps me up. I have an apointment with a urolgoist tomorrow so i will see. But… Today it has been raining. I have been listening to john maus. I was standing under theeee… im not sure the word. but i was standing on the stairwell of a church, which was covered, to escape the rain. i was listening to john maus. i was in my panic state. and indeed, i began to laugh, i began to smile. i was quite distressed but it is true, i must appreciate the trial. i must not numb these emotions, i must accept this state. let myself panic. one day i will be all better and in bed and all bored. im not bored now. im scared. but i should appreciate that. even if my balls rot off, okay. I think it will be fine. And i thank john maus for this, as he aided the insight.

It indeed was a beautiful day in prague. I sure love the rain. I sure do look forward to the rain that will fall this summer in florida.